Please HELP! Who loves boobies?!?

Please support me and my fellow family and friends as we embark on yet another Susan G. Komen 3-day adventure.

I won’t bore you with the details now, because my site describes it all:   http://www.the3day.org/goto/tiffanyhampton  (Go here to donate or look at the info please, even to join the team!)

3 days.

60 miles.

1 cause.

PLEASE spare whatever you can.  $5, $10, $20.  Anything helps.  Even big amounts are obviously appreciated.  But anything adds up.  Please help.  Please.

Walking Into Camp

The Tiring & Trying Parts…

No Explanation Needed.

Camp.  After walking 20 miles, you sleep on the ground.  Yep.

But this keeps you going…

And this.

And there are TONS of funny parts along the way!

Opening ceremonies.

Motivating signs.

Us walking.

Camp.

WE MADE IT!!!!!!!!

The survivor’s circle during closing ceremonies.  The most powerful part of the 3-day.

My sister-in-law & I hugging my mother (a SURVIVOR – our reason to walk!) after closing ceremonies ended.

Raising our shoes to survivors – my FAVORITE part of the walk.  Even though we walk 60 miles, we could never step one foot into your shoes.

I don’t get it.  Spring break?  I don’t think so.  Those two words (put together) are not in the SAHM’s vocabulary.  At least not this SAHM.  No freaking way.  Nope.  Not in the slightest.

My week?  It’s already looking like a little slice of hell served on a dish.  Make that a platter, served by the devil himself.  I’m already dreading it.  This weekend won’t be so bad.  Tonight, my children are doing sleepovers.  I have my niece over spending the night with Big Girl, and they’ll be okay.  But Baby Girl is running a fever of 101.8 last time I checked (pre-Motrin), now she’s down (during Motring), but currently very moody (is it too early for PMS at 19 months old?).  The constant crying if I’m not holding her just adds a little background noise if I get bored, right?

Now, my son…he’s a whole different story himself.  Fresh off the bus, I notice he has on a different pair of pants than I sent him to school in.  And these sweatpants that do not belong to him are extremely over-sized, unbearably ugly and about to fall off his skinny little size tiny body.  Boy is in first grade, is six, and is turning seven this July.  My first thought is, “oh holy hell, he peed his pants at school.  Or worse, he took a dump in them.  WTF.”  So I say, “what happened to your pants, buddy?”  He said, “I just spilled something on my pants at school, that’s all.”  Whew.  What a relief.  At least I don’t have that kid.  You know.  That one.

Then I ask him if he wants to spend the night with his cousin for his birthday.  Let me remind you, Boy has major social anxiety.  He does not bode well in social settings, and his cousin does not attend the same elementary school he does.  So Boy will not know these children his cousin has coming over.  His cousin’s friends are not Boy’s friends.  This will cause a major disruption in Boy’s brain, and cause all kinds of electric currents to go off in his brain and things will be going haywire in there.  Good luck to my brother and his wife. When you flip out because you can’t find Boy because he’s done his normal flipping out and running and hiding, because he can’t handle the pressure of the social scene, odds are, he will be hiding under a bed, in a closet, or behind a piece of furniture.  Good luck to you.  Oh, and tell your sanity good riddance as well.  At least I sent him with his iPod, so he can FaceTime me when he needs to chat.  So, I expect no sleep tonight, because I will be on the phone with him nonstop.  He won’t want to leave, but he won’t want to get off FaceTime with me either.  I’m already smiling from the excitement.  Woo-hoo!  (Enter sarcasm here.)

Oh, here comes Big Girl asking if her friend can spend the night as well.  Yay me!

And did I forget to mention, I’m now the soccer coach for Big Girl’s soccer team?  Yep, yours truly is coaching her U8 soccer team.  And I don’t know one f’ing thing about soccer.  I know your supposed to stay on the field (and I now know it’s called a field, after I called it a court the other day and got told that it definitely was NOT a court – it was a field!) and I know you are supposed to try to kick it into the goal, and not use your hands.  That is the extent of my knowledge of soccer.  Beyond that, I know nothing.  So, good luck to me!  And with my luck, I’m not even starting at a young age, I’m starting where the parents are going to want a competitive coach and the kids probably know a lot, and have been playing for a couple years.  Where we are from, soccer is pretty big (at least in this county).  So I figure I’m going to spend most of my season being yelled at by my parents.  I haven’t gotten a chance to hold practice yet, because we were rained out this past week.  And next week (spring break) I will be out of town on our regularly scheduled practice night, and so will my assistant coach (my sister), so we are moving the practice to Tuesday nights, and the forecast is calling for rain.  Our first game is the following Saturday.  All with no practice it’s looking like.  WINNERS!

Back to spring break.  Here’s how mine is shaping up to be:

Monday:

9am-12pm: Big Girl – soccer camp

6pm-7pm: Boy – boy scouts

Tuesday:

9am-12pm: Big Girl – soccer camp

5:30pm-7pm: soccer practice (if it doesn’t rain)

Wednesday:

9am-12pm: Big Girl – soccer camp

1pm-3pm: Big Girl’s friend’s birthday party

7pm – Maroon 5 concert in DC (and I have floor seats baby!! Best part of the week!  I get to see the man of my dreams Adam Levine!)

Big Girl has a sleepover

Thursday:

8am-8:30am – pick Big Girl up from sleepover

9am-12pm: Big Girl – soccer camp

Friday:

9am-12pm: Big Girl – soccer camp

1pm – Take Big Girl and Baby Girl to my mom

3pm – Boy has psychiatric appointment at UVA (for his social anxiety – he has check-ups every two months)

Big Girl has another sleepover

Saturday:

2pm – Boy has counseling

sometime (haven’t gotten the schedule yet) our first soccer game

Sunday:

Easter – Family gathering – may require either Xanax or drinking.  Probably heavy drinking after the week I’ve had.  Or just a Xanax.  Who knows?  I guess time will tell.

my crazy calendar the week of spring break (and the rest of the month actually!)

Anyway, that is how my so-called “Spring Break” is looking – as of today.  I feel like everyday it’s changing, every day something new is happening and my calendar is growing and growing.  I was supposed to be heading to the beach for a relaxing vacation.  Doesn’t look so relaxing, now does it?  But then again, motherhood isn’t relaxing when you have three children ages 7 and under.

Monkey Poo Flinging Day

Holy freakin’  moly.  It’s a “I need want to pop a Xanax and wash it down with a triple shot of Patron margarita” day.  Ha.  If only.  Right?  If only death wasn’t the result.

What the hell is going on today?  Everyone is driving me insane!  Everyone.  Literally.

The baby won’t stop crying.  She’s sitting in my lap as I’m typing, because if I put her down, the flood gates open.  She’s only happy in my lap.  Other than that, all hell breaks loose.

Boy got off the bus being in a mood.  This has been a great, fun afternoon with him.  Let me tell you what.  He decided in order for his homework to be done, he needed to sharpen his pencil in our automatic pencil sharpener.  So he sticks the pencil in, lets it twirl around and around, and he dances all around the office while this is happening.  Meanwhile, the pencil is not being sharpened, just twirling around and around, and is making that horrific grinding sound.  You know, the one you can just feel down to your bone?  Yeah, that one.  It goes on and on for about ten minutes straight.  I finally decide to walk in there and see what is going on and try to navigate him out of there and back towards his homework.  Only, I get to the office a second too late.  Baby Girl got there first.  And of course, Boy didn’t like that.  He slammed her hand in the office door.  Nice big brother, right?  Just what I was thinking.  So that set off the wailing sirens again.  Fun times, I’ll tell ya!

After I finally get him settled back into his seat and start to work on homework, he then pulls out his portraits from his backpack from their spring pictures they had taken at school and received today to bring home.  Big Girl tries to look at his, and he looses all control.  He looks like a gorilla with big swinging arms trying to collect them all before she can sneak a peek at the face she sees everyday.  Big ol’ Donkey Kong making grunting noises, trying to prevent his sister from seeing a picture of his mug, which turns into another fight.  I   They start batting and swinging a little, hit and miss, pencils in hand.  I may as well just have monkeys running around flinging poo at each other.  I feel like that’s what is happening anyway.  At least I may have a shot at someone listening.  The monkeys may actually listen better to me than my own children.  There’s a pretty good chance of that, actually.

After the homework battle is finally complete, we move on to the battle of the Baby Girl.  She is just walking around and around crying and crying.  Why you ask?  Why am I not holding her?  Comforting her?  Seeing what is wrong?  Oh believe me, I have.  I’ve done it all.  She’s fed.  She’s been changed.  She’s healthy.  She’s not teething.  She’s 110% happy – as long as she’s in my arms.  She is so spoiled rotten.  She will be crying so hard you’d think she needs to go to the emergency room because she looks like she has a broken bone, and then Mommy picks her up, and she’s giggling so hard and she’s so happy!  What an actress she is.  She has such a brilliant personality at a year-and-a-half old already.  I can’t stand the fact that I have to face this for the next sixteen years or so.  I have a feeling she’ll outwit me a time or two.  This one seems pretty good…I may have met my match…

And that, my friends, is quite the scary thought.

Thankfully, I have a great hubby coming to the rescue.  He’s bringing home dinner.  Yep, we’re cheating tonight.  Cheating together!  With food.  He’s bringing home takeout from one of our favorite places to eat.  Good old Glory Days.

Yum. Sauce.

Yep, this happens around here.

Just as I think my life can’t get anymore circus-like. I walk into the kitchen, and find this on my floor:

And yes, that is what you think it is. Men, you are probably turning your heads sideways and squinting and wondering what in the hell that is. Women, you know. It is a tampon. And don’t freak. It is still sanitary. Unused. Just unwrapped. By my lovely one-and-a-half year old who is a tricky little monster. She is a little magician, daredevil, and monkey all rolled into one. She gets into things (i.e.: tampons!) if you are not watching her EVERY second of EVERY day!) Need a bathroom break? Forget it! Don’t even think about it. Plan it around her nap time.

She doesn’t feel a tremendous amount of pain; or if she does, she doesn’t care about it too much. Let me tell you, she keeps me on my toes!

She’s a climber of the outside of our banister staircase, our couch, the dining room chairs, the ottoman (from which she then jumps onto the couch), the dog, her potty seat, etc. Basically anything low enough for her to climb on top of, and then she either jumps off of, or gets stuck on and then cries until I help get her down.

The best part: everyday is a new adventure! (Gotta look on the bright side, folks!) What the hell am I saying?! Every f’ing thirty seconds is a new escapade with this child. She’s the last kid. My other two never kept me on my toes as much as she does. She is definitely the hardest kid I’ve had to deal with. I’m so glad Hubby got the snip last month. Woo-hoo!

But how can you resist this face?! I can’t help but to love her and all of her devilish, monstrous, devious, crazy ways. I mean, she is her mother’s child…correct?

It’s been a VERY long time!

Wow it’s been a seriously long time!  I just looked at my last post.  June 2012.  That was 9-10 months ago.  I am terrible.  Wow.  What a loser I am!

Things have definitely changed a lot since then!  Wow have they changed!  Life has gotten a lot – if you can believe this – CRAZIER!

I know that is the last word you were probably expecting.  Me, using the word crazy – really?!  Ha, it’s only my personal motto.  If we were like cartoons and had clouds floating above our heads with one word in it describing our personalities, mine cloud would definitely SHOUT “CRAZY!!!!!”

But that’s the fun part.  You never know what crazy you’re going to get!  Ha!  My poor hubby.  But he loves me so.  And thank God for him.  He truly is a blessing.  He’s a Godsend.  What a life that man has given us.  I thank God for him.  He’s an angel.  Love that man more than life.

Back to the story, things have changed so much.  We moved into a bigger house.

The new house!

Also, we got a much longer custody with the big kids than we had before.

The big kiddos in the snow 🙂

All of these things have happened to be way better life improvements!  Definitely amazing ones to say the least.  Also in there, we started a new school year, had Thanksgiving, Christmas during which time we were moving.  Yep, we tackled moving over the busiest time of the year.  That was fun.  But it was also a blessing to be in the new house and host, yes host, Thanksgiving in our new house for the first time ever, and have Christmas in the new house.  It was glorious.

Christmas in the new house.

It finally feels like this crazy life is starting to fall into place.  I mean, things are still crazy as hell all around, but I wouldn’t have it any other way, no would I?!  Crazy is my middle name, isn’t it?

As crazy as it is, I’d love to start posting more.  I will be on the computer more now, as I will be starting to go back to school to finish up my degree.  I have an AA in Liberal Arts, but I’m going back for a bachelor’s degree, finally!  That’s right, crazy is growing up!  Well, crazy is a grown up, but crazy is going to finally act like it!  (Well…maybe.)

Man, I suck.

I suck so bad at this blog.  I’m no good at keeping up with it.  So if you follow me, thanks.  But I apologize for being a slack ass.

It is so hard for me to find the time to write.  It’s hard for me to find the time to do anything now actually.  I feel like I’m constantly doing something, even in my sleep I’m waking up for the baby.  It’s crazy.  There’s no time for myself.  No time to write, no time to do my school work, no time to read or hang out with a friend, nothing.

I just put the baby down for a nap and the big kids are outside with their friends riding their bikes and playing in the dirt.  I’m trying to rush through this blog so I can finish cleaning and the other ten million things I need to do in the twenty short minutes the baby naps.  Which annoys the piss out of me.  She’s a cat napper.  I wish she took long naps.  But nope, about twenty to thirty damn minutes.  That’s it.  Just enough time for me to start something and not be able to finish it.  Yay me!  (Not.)

We have been having fun though.  The kids are on spring break right now, which started today.  So Big Girl had her best friend sleep over last night.  I made banana muffins for breakfast this morning, and they loved that.  I also boiled eggs the other day so they could dye them today.  They had an absolute blast doing that today!  And they turned out so cute.  I love having the kids do stuff like this.  Even though it’s messy, it’s so worth it.  It makes them so happy, I could care less how messy it is.

This little boy is the most important boy in my life.  I love him so much!  He told me today he’s never going to get married.  He’s going to live with me forever.  He will get a job and he will only leave me to go to work, then he will always come home to me at night.  But he said “Don’t worry Mommy, I will go sell cars for Hubby.” (my hubby is the GM of a dealership)   Then he pinkie promised me he’d never leave me.  He is my heart.  I love this kid so much.

Big Girl is on the right.  Big Girl’s best friend is on the left.  She’s like my other daughter.  I absolutely love having her here.  It actually makes things easier having four kids than three.  I think it’s because she keeps Big Girl occupied and out of my butt completely for the entire day.  If we are home all day and Big Girl has no friends over, she is constantly up my ass following me around wondering what I’m doing, why I’m doing it, reading my texts, my computer, my books, whatever is in my hand.  She has to know everything that is going on, no matter what it is, who’s it is, and why it is what it is.  But she will never just go play.  She is always bored and says she has nothing to do.  Even though she has basically ever toy under the sun.  Literally.  Last year for Christmas, Hubby spoiled the shit out of them and bought the entire toy section of Walmart and Target almost.  And what they didn’t get at Christmas, they get constantly throughout the year.  They’re the most spoiled kids.  If we go to the store, they get something.  I need to start saying no.  I just can’t – look at those sweet faces 🙂

Oh wow, I think Baby Girl finally cried herself to sleep.  Now to get up and actually get stuff done…

 

Last freakin’ week was a BUMMER!

What a freakin’ week I had last week.  It was a BUMMER.

Sunday 3/18/2012:

It started off with a phone call from my momma last weekend bright and early in the morning, “I’m heading to Baltimore.  Your cousin Brian committed suicide.”

Of course, the first words out of my mouth were, “Do I need to come up there?”

No, no I don’t, she tells me.  I don’t have to go.  They don’t know what’s happening yet.  They don’t know yet if there’s even going to be a funeral.  It all is still fresh, she doesn’t know much else, but she’s heading to Baltimore as soon as my aunt came in from Richmond.  They were riding together to head to Baltimore to hold my other aunt’s hand.  Poor woman.  I couldn’t imagine.  Her only son.  She is the one that found him hanging there, too.  I don’t know what I would’ve done.  But I do believe she’s braver than I am.  I don’t know that I’d still be walking if I were in that situation.

Tuesday night 3/20/2012:

(Hysterical sobbing coming through the front door)  “Ummm, she fell.”  Says one of neighborhood kids.

My poor Big Girl.  Bloody, messy road rash from around her eyebrow bone down to her chin.  Mouth pouring blood.  Hobbling on one leg.  Knee pouring blood too.  Wonderful.

The hysterical crying goes on for a good thirty minutes.  I can’t see inside her mouth, all I can tell is the pouring blood won’t stop.  And she won’t let me look in there.  But all I can see is blood spewing out.

I call the dentist.  Of course, they’re closed.  Thankfully, their wonderful pediatric dentist has her cell phone on the answering machine in case of an emergency.  I called her.  She says she’d meet me tonight, or wait until the morning.  Finally, I get her to calm down.  I choose morning after talking to the dentist and getting Big Girl calmed down.

Big Girl of course, won’t eat dinner.  Won’t take a shower.  Won’t brush her teeth.

So of course, Boy doesn’t want to do any of it either.

Finally: bed time.

Wednesday 3/21/2012:

12:05AM – (puke, puke, puke) (cry, cry, cry) (puke, puke, puke) (cry, cry, cry)

Holy hell.

My son has just exorcist puked everywhere.  All over his bed, all down his bed, all over himself.  All over his floor, all around his room, and all over the bathroom, toilet, and floor.  So disgusting.

This has been the best six hours of my life.  (As I roll my eyes…)

I finally get him cleaned up.  And the floor.  And his bed stripped of bedding.  And the bathroom cleaned.  And a load of laundry started.  Then he wants to sleep with me.  No f’ing way.  Are you kidding me?!  Puke Pants McGee?  In my bed?  I don’t f’ing think so.  Instead I say, “You can sleep on my floor buddy, right beside me, ok?  I’ll make you a little bed.”

He nods like it’s the best thing on earth!  Both my big children love to sleep on the floor (this I don’t understand, but they do it all the time! – by choice!)  So I make him a bed on the ground.  I think I fall back asleep finally around 1:30am maybe – maybe.

2Am –  I hear little feet racing across my bathroom floor.  Then I hear puke.  Here we go again.

3AM – Puke.

4AM – Puke.

5AM – Puke.  And more puke.

6AM – Puke.

7AM – Puke.

8AM – Puke.  Headed to dentist with Big Girl.

9AM – Thankfully, from what the x-ray shows, Big Girl only chipped a tooth.  But, from how swollen her mouth is, dentist can’t see much else.  She won’t do anything until next appointment.  Until then, good luck.  See you next week.  Great

3:15PM – Doctor with all 3 kids, for Boy.  Strep test.  Negative – thank God.  Even though Big Girl just had strep.  Woo hoo!   Just a stomach bug. Gross.

Thursday 3/22/2012

Big Girl stayed home.  Forced Boy to go to school.  No fever, no pukes.  But we missed the bus.  So I drive him.  Still have Big Girl home.  She kinda gets on my nerves all day.  She’s bored with being home for the second day in a row.  I had to pack for me, my hubby, and Baby Girl to head to Maryland for the night.  Big kids went to their dad’s after school so we could head to Maryland for the viewing and funeral.

8PM – Arrived at hotel in Maryland.

8:20PM – Left for funeral home for the viewing.

Friday 3/24/2012

11AM – Funeral for my cousin.  Who was about six months older than I was.  That’s it.  He was born only six months earlier than I was.  And he took his own life.  We grew up together.  It makes me so sad.  And mad that he could do that to his family.  To his children.  To his mother.  And sisters.  And the rest of his friends and family.  And everyone dealing with the fallout of it.  He got to escape the pain, all the while pushing it onto others.  It’s selfish really.

3PM – Finally heading home.  DC traffic on a Friday?  Gross.

7PM – Finally home.  Paradise.  Hubby and I talk about how wonderful it is to be at home.  What a great life we have together.  How magical it is to be home.

Praying for a better week…

WE WERE ATTACKED!!!!!

Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

WE WERE ATTACKED!!!!!!

The leprechaun got us.  Last night.  While we slept.  Apparently he (or she – or they – who knows) wanted to play some tricks on us.

I was feeling like more of a Happy Momma last night than a Crazy Momma, so I made the kids some aahhhhhhmmmmmazzzing (in case you couldn’t read that through my obvious drool on the screen – it was ‘amazing’) red velvet cupcakes last night for dessert.  Holy freakin’ moly.  Yum sauce.  Y-U-M S-A-U-C-E.  Holy buttsauce were those freaking fantastic.  Oh how lovely it is to be a fat kid now.

(side note:  I so want to lose my baby weight, but I also so love to eat what I eat.)

Back to the story…

The green short fella.  He decided he was going to push a chair over to the counter to help himself up there.  Then he iced my cupcakes, which I didn’t do, he put shamrocks and sprinkles on them, then he even ate one!  Can you imagine?!  Oh, and he did the worst thing EVER!!!!!

HE.  MADE.  A….

MESS.

That’s right.  He made a mess.  He spilled the sprinkles on the counter.  This did not sit well with my children.  Especially Boy with his OCD.  He said, “he was BAD Mommy, BAD!  He made a mess!  He was so BAD!”

Then after I made them breakfast this morning and I went to pour them lemonade, I opened up the fridge and guess what we found?!?

That damn little green devil.  He turned our lemonade green.  What a bastard.

Then, this is what happens to my children after we find out he visits our house:

And that’s why he visits.  This made their day.  Their week.  Hell, this made their next couple weeks, maybe even month or two.  They’ll be talking about this forever.  Until the next cool and fun thing comes along.  They’ve talked about it all day, a million times.  They’ve been so extraordinarily excited about it all day, telling everyone!  They’ve been the happiest kids!

So that’s why he visited our house.  To make two beautiful children happy!

Then we had this little beauty enjoying the beautiful weather all day today!  We played outside all day.  My son learned to ride his bike without training wheels – now both children officially ride without them – scary!!!  Ahhh….We had such an amazing day outside enjoying the beautiful weather.  It was perfect.  Not too hot, not cold at all…it was all just right.  A perfect day.  Blessed with perfect weather with my beautiful children.

How lucky am I?!?!?

 

 

Strep throat sucks.

My poor sweet big girl has strep throat 😦  And the amazing trooper she is – she asked to go to school this morning!

She loves school.  And she never wants to miss a single day.  Last year in kindergarten, she didn’t miss a single day.  This year, she’s missed about three days I think.  And she’s hated every day of it.  Even on a day that she has had strep throat, she wanted to go to school.  What an amazing little girl!

Unfortunately this morning, Baby Girl woke up sick too.  Thankfully I have an awesome friend that works at the doctor’s office I take the kids too, and she helped me out today.  She took Big Girl back and ran her strep test, and it came back positive before we even had to see the doctor. So because Big Girl didn’t have to see the doctor, my friend switched the appointments for the girls, and got Baby Girl in to see the doctor instead of Big Girl.  He wanted to get her strep tested because her throat was red and Big Girl’s test came back positive.

Thank God Baby Girl’s test came back negative.  I can’t have two girls with strep throat at the same time…that’s just not going to be fun at all.  I’m really hoping that Boy doesn’t get it.  Or me.  Or Hubby.

Strep throat sucks.

Holy Muffin Top :(

I need to go on a diet.  Or start working out.

That’s the first time in my life I’ve ever had to say those two sentences.  Ever.

I was always considered blessed that I could eat whatever the hell I wanted, whenever I wanted.  Well, all I have to say is karma is a bitch.  I know someone out there cursed me to get me here.  Someone had to have said, “Man I just hope that skinny bitch eating all that food gets fat one day.”  Or, “Look at that skinny bitch shoving all that food in her mouth – just wait, it’ll catch up to her.”  Or even, “Please make her fat.  Now.”  So to whoever the hell you were – all I have for you is one finger.  And a big ol’ F bomb to drop.

I canNOT get rid of this baby weight.  With the first two kids, immediately afterwards, I was back to normal, wearing size 0 jeans, eating whatever I wanted.  Not exercising to stay skinny, just naturally blessed as a thin girl.  Not anymore.  It’s my turn to bitch and complain about my weight.  I’ve always had to hear about it, but never had to do it myself.  Now, I am.

So the answer is simple, right?  Work out.  Exercise.  Eat better.

Someone tell me how the f to do that, and I’ll do it.  Give me a schedule.  No, better yet.  Hire me a maid.  And a nanny.  And a personal trainer.  And while you’re at it, have someone follow me around with a fan if I’m hot, or a blanket if I’m cold, but of course, only one that has been kept warm for when I need it to be, like at the hospital.  And make sure everything around me is coated in gold.  Or better yet platinum.  Platinum and diamonds.  Yes, that’s what I want.  Platinum, diamonds, nannies (one for morning and night, per kid), maids (one per person while we’re at it and one for the dog), waiters, servers, ooohhh bartenders…yummmmm….personal bartenders.  And a personal doctor.  Not for the help, just for the medications they can prescribe.  A personal bartender and prescriptions whenever I want?!?!  Hell yeah.  That sounds much better…a little margarita here, shot of tequila there, anti-crazy pill washed down with a beer.   Now THAT sounds like fun.

Wait, am I getting off track?   What the hell was I ranting about?  Oh yeah, my muffin top.  My fat ass and huge thighs.  It’s definitely not ok.  It’s gotta go.  But let me ask: when am I supposed to do all this working out?  When I’m running around with a spoiled ass 6-month-old, who can’t be put down, who takes 20 minute naps?  While I’m trying to get my schoolwork done?  During homework time after school while I’m feeding the baby or trying to keep her from screaming at the top of her lungs while Boy says, “I can’t do my homework when she’s screaming like that!  I can’t concentrate!”  While I’m pushing a vacuum around, holding a baby, trying to shoo the dog away from the vacuum…Or when I’m making dinner for 3 kids and trying to be a referee as well?  It’s like I work in an f’ing circus.  I’m a ring leader.  It’s an open animal barn.  Everyone strap on a helmet and hope for the best.  Make sure you don’t step in dog pee or dog piss along the way.  And who knows what you’re eating.  Just close your eyes and shut up.

I’m thinking the best thing for me is diet pills.  Or prayer.  Or just plain dumb luck.  Or maybe the weight Gods will focus on someone else for awhile…